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Sacrifice

I stepped inside the flame!
Hoping to be forgiven for what I became!
-
Have I no shame?
Have I no guilt?

There's no such thing as blame
For all of the wrongs I've been dealt

Point the finger
Only at the world

Watch you band together
And witness you antagonize another

Innocent souls
Wrapped inside of society's shadows

And little did they know
They were only born to be scapegoats

That's the harsh way to say it
It's only because the truth is filled with hatred

Bystanders just turn a blind eye
As they feed their relief with made up lies

That's all they know how to do
They're too afraid of being dragged down with you

They know what's right
But it's clouded by discriminative eyes

We're only given the gift of a last glance
A half a second of pity slips through our hands

It's all we will get
A taste of sour condolences

There's no real sympathy for the puppets
The strings are now cut as we are forsaken

I am part of a sinful massacre
It's also known as a saint's murder
-
God, you have given me this life!
But I was just your children's sacrifice!
I didn't get to grow up like everyone else around me. There was always that one secret eating me up inside as long as I could remember. Living in that fear, it modified my view of life, and this is the outcome. I am the product of society. There is no true blame, but there is no forgetting. There is no real forgiveness, because the guilt is secret, and the secret is...it's too late.

Justice is man-made, and recovery is just an illusion to me.
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Stock image done by = :iconbeinspyred: --> [link]
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Let me know if this makes sense to you....I would like some constructive feedback at least. And if you liked this one, there are more located in my gallery.
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:iconmytangos:
MYTANGOS Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013
[link]

wow - scares the hell out of me
that is the life i've lived - so far
excellent concept and literary piece
Reply
:iconsolarisa:
solarisa Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
insightful. thanks for posting.
Reply
:icondreamsdeprived:
DreamsDeprived Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :D
Reply
:iconchangers-n-mash:
changers-n-mash Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2012
Hopefully you won't mind my critique. Hopefully I don't come off as harsh, it's just a humble opinion. I'd like to learn and expand my own writing so most of it will be in the form of questions.

First, I'm curious about the rhyme scheme. I'm not sure if the breaks in the rhyming are there deliberately and I couldn't figure out why. Like in "finger" then "world" and further down "get" and "condolences". It'd be great to understand the reasoning or depth behind that.

You also change the pronoun from the 3rd stanza onward. It switches from first person and then from the 15th and 16th stanza, you switch back to I. Is it a progression from "I" to "you" to "they" to "we"? Namely the expansion and involvement of yourself in the accusation?

Furthermore, the form or object of "you" seems to change. "Watch you band together and witness you antagonize another" in contrast to "they are too afraid of being brought down by you". The "you" early on seems to be the antagonist, cowardly and negative whereas the "you" later on is courageous and seems to be a protagonist. Is it a deliberate change? Is there meant to be a divide? Or is it a generic reference to a collective? Or is it a change in perspective? I'm a little confused there.

Perhaps it's a matter of style but it could be cleaner and more concise, fewer words and articles. For example "wrapped inside of society's shadows", you could drop the "of" because it doesn't serve much purpose.

Finally, there seems to be this overwhelming trend (especially on DA) to not use punctuation when writing poetry. And I really don't know why. Am I missing something?

As far as content goes, there is a degree of melodrama but it is controlled as well, which I like :) I feel there are too many histrionic, exaggerated pieces on DA. The content can be a little vague, perhaps deliberately so, which is both a good thing and bad thing.

I'd be really interested to see the reasoning behind it :) Can't wait for your reply
Reply
:icondreamsdeprived:
DreamsDeprived Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Too many questions x,x that's why it took me this long to finally reply.

1. There is a lot of personal, real life events that influenced the rhyme scheme. I mentioned this before. This type of poetry I started doing is what I like to call my improv poetry. It's all written in one shot, and finished pretty quickly. So what I was most concentrated on was getting the "emotions" out, and less worried about if it rhymed properly. That's my reason for why the rhyme scheme is a bit off.

Again, there is no real good answer I can give you that might make sense. It's just that this is all improv and sometimes it's not that smooth as others. There's no reason for every little thing that's contained in this poem. The stuff you're wondering about is there because it seemed to fit at that moment in time. I'm not wanting to sound defensive, but that's the only way I can truly put it right now.

This overwhelming trend seems to bother you, mildly. I can see that and I get where you're coming from, but I can't speak for everyone who doesn't use punctuation in poetry. My reason is-is that this is free verse....so yeah...

I wanted to see what you thought of it, but through out your comment you kept stating that you were confused, which probably lead to this type of questionnaire-type critique.
Reply
:iconkaraikoro:
Karaikoro Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2012  Student Writer
This is really deep, actually kinda felt your words sink into my heart, I agree with your point of view! Keep up the good work :)
Reply
:icondreamsdeprived:
DreamsDeprived Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. I'm so relieved that the message within this was received clearly. It's all I wanted. <3
Reply
:iconmrswesker:
MrsWesker Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012
Angel became a fallen angel , which became bad...
Reply
:icondreamsdeprived:
DreamsDeprived Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Shhhhhh it's a secret....
Reply
:iconmrswesker:
MrsWesker Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012
upsss gooood :)
Reply
:iconazi-snowfire:
AZI-SnowFire Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student General Artist
its amazing how u pour out so much of emotion through your words...
its true, its bitter, and it hurts...
Reply
:icondreamsdeprived:
DreamsDeprived Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:'(

Thank you.
Reply
:iconazi-snowfire:
AZI-SnowFire Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012  Student General Artist
ur welcome ^^
Reply
:iconshadiathedragoness:
ShadiaTheDragoness Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
So cool!
Reply
:icondreamsdeprived:
DreamsDeprived Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, I'm very glad you liked it. :)
Reply
:iconmeesturfroggy:
MeesturFroggy Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
the pic reminds me of that scene from terminator 2
Reply
:icondreamsdeprived:
DreamsDeprived Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ahaha, yeah, now that you point it out, it does....damn now I wanna watch that movie! :P
Reply
:iconmeesturfroggy:
MeesturFroggy Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
god that movie was good
Reply
:iconpje0860:
pje0860 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
it makes a lot of sense! (I stepped into my great friends(they're girls) injured hearts while I'm in there and pray "makin' them blush" cuz I made a promise to them :squee:) I had to earn their trust though (like this pictre?)
Reply
:icondreamsdeprived:
DreamsDeprived Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
x,x?
Reply
:iconpje0860:
pje0860 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
(deep love can also mean true love) well my dream(to make it come true) is also my problem ;_; and I've been through hell and hoping for my many friends not feel what I've been through and That is my Intentions to make them happy with their hearts(so...is it okey to call ya a friend?) C= 0_O ^_^ your answer?
Reply
:icondreamsdeprived:
DreamsDeprived Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yes
Reply
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